Sex is Not Like the Movies!!!!
Post written by Hillary Haines, MSW, LSW
Have you ever seen a sexy movie scene, the one where the partner looks lustfully into the other one’s eyes and in a flurry, clothes are flying, and they are all-consumed in a heat of passion? While sometimes it does happen this way, others may compare their sexual experience and wonder why theirs doesn’t match what is happening on screen. At our practice, we work with individuals and couples to face desire discrepancies and understand Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire.
Responsive Desire
I want you to picture preparing a meal in the oven. First, you need to prepare the meal, let the oven preheat, place the meal in the oven, and then let the meal get completely ready before it’s time to eat. That’s how Responsive Desire works. An individual with responsive desire just takes a few steps to get ready for intimacy. The steps can include pleasurable experiences like quality time, sensual connection and/or touch, or a lowered stress level. It really is based on the individual and what their prerequisites are. So, if you are someone who needs a few things checked off their list to get in the mood, know that this is normal and how your body naturally reacts to these experiences.
Spontaneous Desire
Now, for this desire, we’re going to move to the other side of the kitchen to the microwave. You place the food in the microwave, hit the timer button, and then start. Within seconds to minutes, your meal is ready to go. This is Spontaneous Desire! There is less preparation and time involved before a person is ready to get intimate. It could take a thought, a visual, or just the emergence of a feeling for someone with this desire.
I want you to know that there is no right or wrong way to experience desire. It is common for partners to have different desires. The important thing is to openly communicate and discuss your needs with your partner so that you may create an environment that allows intimacy to develop naturally.
If you have been experiencing challenges with intimacy and/or desire discrepancies, we’d love to work with you on developing communication tools, creating a safe space to discuss your desires and ultimately working towards a goal of embracing each partner’s desire tendencies so that you can have a fulfilling sex life.
Further Exploration
Here are a few recommended readings:
