Navigating Divorce: How to Heal, Cope, and Move Forward
As therapists and coaches who specialize in relationships, we often find ourselves helping clients move through and heal from divorce. When I became a couples therapist, I had no idea how often I would come in contact with divorce. Out of all the issues I have tackled in my 14-year career, I have to admit divorce is one of the most difficult. This is because there is no manual on how to get divorced, survive divorce, or heal from divorce.
Every single relationship is different. The dynamics and specifics change day to day. I don’t believe most people go into marriage expecting to get divorced. Instead, people focus on their love for one another, their hopes, and dreams. Unfortunately, over 40% of first marriages and 60% of second marriages in America end in divorce. So, when someone finds themself in this predicament, they often have no idea what to do because they never planned for it. Instead, they wake up one day with their life in shambles, and they look at the person whom they once loved, dreamed with, and all they see is sadness, anger, and pain. The relationship in which they once found joy and solace is now a relationship which they need to untangle from to start the next chapter of their life.
Going through the process of divorce not only involves grief, but often requires hiring legal counsel, mediators, valuators, and in some cases, going to court. When you are grieving the loss of your relationship, your brain is most likely in survival mode and is unable to focus on logic. This is normal and should be expected. Unfortunately, the legal system is rarely trauma-informed or concerned with the emotional state of the people going through this process. Many lawyers don’t address feelings with their clients because they must focus on facts and logic to do their job. While this is understandable, it does not make their client(s) feel seen, heard, or supported emotionally. This is where therapy or coaching comes into play.
We all need support when we are grieving or going through something difficult. For many people, therapy or coaching is the only place they can turn to in their time of need. Family members and friends are too emotionally intertwined, and the legal system focuses on facts, not feelings. I have spent countless hours holding space for clients while they sob through the pain of divorce. The common questions I hear are, “Why is this happening?”, “What should I do?”, and “Why does no one in the system listen to me or care?”
For years, I had no idea what to say or do when these questions were asked. Most therapists and coaches are not taught how to hold space for someone going through divorce. In all my years of education and training, I never once saw a class offered on how to help people uncouple or divorce. It wasn’t until a few years ago that I threw myself into research on this topic. I wanted to know how to help people who found themselves in one of the most confusing and painful situations someone can experience. I knew they were not getting the support they needed elsewhere, so I wanted to be someone who could give them hope again. While people rarely expect themselves to end up in divorce, it is more common than you know. There are ways to work through this and heal along the way. If you are someone who needs help navigating a divorce or needs someone to support and listen to you, we are here to help. We can connect you with resources and professionals who understand the intricacies of divorce and who will advocate for you. We cannot promise to make the process quicker or easier, but we can assure you that we will support you through this chapter in every way that we can. Make sure you do your research before hiring legal counsel. Not everyone will understand or believe in you. If you hire someone who doesn’t get it, then go find someone who does. I promise they are out there. Just like therapy is not one size fits all, either is divorce. Each person or relationship requires a tailored plan and tools. Don’t settle for anything less than what you deserve.
Warmly,
Andreya Jones Sirianna (she/her)
Sirianna Relationship and Sex Therapy
PH.D., LCSW, CST
