All You Need is NOT Love

There seems to be a belief in our culture that as long as you have love in a relationship, you should be able to make it work. There are countless songs that reinforce this message, and while it’s an interesting concept, it is not what I have found to be true.

While love is a very important part of a relationship it is not the only thing that you need. I have worked with hundreds of couples who loved each other and were not compatible, fulfilled, or happy. I often hear clients say, “but we love each other”… and I know that these people do.

When I work with couples who are trying to repair or rebuild their relationships, I explain that a relationship needs a solid foundation. Love is just one brick in that foundation. You need so much more than love. Love is constantly ebbing and flowing. The way you love someone in the beginning of a relationship will change as both you and that relationship evolve and grow.

As humans, we are meant to change… to blossom. We are not meant to stay the same through every chapter of our lives.
What you loved when you were 6 may not be what you love at 36 or 86.

If our tastes change in other areas of life why wouldn’t they change in love and relationships?
The person that worked for you in one chapter of your life may not be compatible with you in a later chapter.
This is why you need more than love to build a solid foundation.

One of the beautiful parts of building a relationship with someone is that everyone involved gets to decide what bricks they want/need in their foundation.
Some of the popular bricks that people talk about in therapy are trust, vulnerability, humor, similar core values, faith, fidelity, etc.

During our lives, things will bump into, rock, or even crack the foundation in our relationship(s). This is when most people come to therapy. The hope as a therapist is that the foundation is not damaged beyond repair and that if it is… That I am able to help that couple let go of the foundation with grace and understanding.

For those who need help patching or rebuilding their foundation, we have to figure out what the original foundation consisted of and how it began to crumble.

When people begin to knock down and/or rebuild their foundation, I am always curious to see if they are on the same page on what bricks they want to use. Once they build the foundation they need for a solid relationship, they are able to build the house that they want to live in on top of that foundation.

Not all houses are meant to live in forever. Sometimes we outgrow a house or need to down size or upgrade. This is also true for relationships. Not all relationships are meant to last forever. This doesn’t mean you failed. It means you learned something and you grew in ways that you needed to AND in many cases you then outgrew the house/relationship.

As you think about your relationships, I would encourage you to look at what your foundation is made of:

• Are there any bricks you’d like to remove or add?
• Is the foundation and house you built serving you?
• Is it allowing you to grow?

I love John Lennon’s song, All You Need Is Love… It’s catchy, BUT not always sustainable in a long-term relationship.

We need so much more than love.