When the Body Holds Our Pain: A Therapist’s Experience with Healing Trauma
One of the main themes I work with as a therapist is trauma. I help clients work through relational, religious, sexual, and emotional trauma. While there are many ways to help clients work through trauma, I am always looking for new modalities to use with clients. One of the most difficult, yet beautiful parts of doing trauma work is that the body holds our trauma. While many issues in life can be worked through in a therapy session, trauma is something that needs so much more than talk therapy.
When working with trauma, you must sit with and address the emotional, spiritual, sexual, and physical bodies of a person. In September, I had the opportunity to go to a week-long trauma training that has changed my life, not only as a clinician but also as an individual. One of the lessons we learned was that humans create stories that they hold onto to give meaning to their lived experiences. When we create stories around trauma, we can often get stuck in the trauma… we can begin to define ourselves by the trauma.
Many years ago, I had a therapist tell me that I did not need to hold onto my trauma to be a good therapist. At the time, I didn’t understand what she meant, but over the years, I have revisited that statement many times. Why did I feel that I needed to hold onto my stories of trauma to feel like I could help others with their trauma?
I have spent years walking through and healing my trauma since that conversation, and that therapist was 100% correct. It wasn’t until I sat with and worked through my own trauma that I was able to be fully present for my clients while they processed their own. Trauma is like an onion; it has many layers. As you begin to peel back the top layers, you will most likely find more potent layers hidden beneath.
I’ve found that talk therapy can help many people work through the top few layers, but when you begin to get to the deeper layers, it requires more of a somatic/body focused technique. This is why I decided to attend the trauma training I recently went to. I wanted to learn how to unearth and sit with the deeper layers of my trauma so I could find new ways to help my clients do the same. For a week, we learned to connect to our bodies through breath work, sound healing, somatic body work, inner child work, and brutal transparency. I was introduced to new tools and modalities that allowed me to access emotions that cracked me open at my very core. I learned to identify and sit with the most beautiful parts of myself. I played and danced with my inner child. I learned to surrender to and trust my shadow self and the darkest parts of my humanity. I faced my greatest fears and felt what true, unadulterated love feels like. I experienced the depths of the universe and spirituality in ways I never knew possible. In the end, the miracle I received was forgiving myself. Forgiving myself for the ways I survived my abuse, the ways I compromised myself for others, and the ways I hurt people. Lastly, I forgave myself for the stories I had been holding onto out of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of failure, and fear of everything being my fault.
While I know my onion has more layers to uncover, I have never been more proud of anything that I’ve done in my life. I now know that life is so much bigger than things or accomplishments. What others think of me or the stories they are holding onto no longer matter. I know who I am and what my purpose is. I know that I am loved beyond measure by the mother of the universe. I have always struggled with anxiety, but for the first time in my life, I do not feel anxious. I’m leaning into surrender and trust. I know that I am unbelievably strong and that I stand on my own two feet. I have allowed myself to ask for help and to believe that I deserve help simply because I am human. It has brought me such joy to bring these newfound truths and tools to my clients. I know that very few people do this kind of work on the journey of life, and I am blessed to work with many clients who do. There will always be darkness in the world and in people who covet the light… I just don’t have to be scared of them anymore. They cannot hurt me or take my light. Their threats, lies, and abuse cannot penetrate me now.
Everything you lose is a step you take, and while my feet are small, they are taking one baby step at a time toward a life of joy and
fulfillment.
Warmly,
Andreya Jones Sirianna (she/her)
Sirianna Relationship and Sex Therapy
PH.D., LCSW, CST
